The Precipice of Sanity and The Fall

The same old story, been there a few times, but Mylissa Boykin? Who’d of thought? This girl has a perfect smile, sun kissed body, long blonde hair and legs for days… but all of that’s just secondary to me. I can actually talk to her, and feel comfortable around her, mind you that doesn’t happen very often. We could sit down for hours and just talk, and I wouldn’t even want to say anything. It was just nice to listen to her about anything she had to say, no matter how mundane it was. If she wanted to relax and complain about the slave style hours her parents made her work, I would actually enjoy hearing her talk about it. From Buddhism to her day to day life I could listen for however long she felt like speaking, and would relish every second of it. And she’s smart; she’s witty, not in an “I can do calculus” kind of way, but in an “I can hold my own in a conversation” kind of way. 

I just wish we could still be friends…

But, that’s never going to happen now is it…

It wasn’t as though I thought of her as anything more than a good friend at first either, and it was comforting even after I realized I liked her to know that I had friend like her somewhere, even if she was almost a thousand miles away. Really, if I’m angry over anything it’s that she took that away from me, that friendship, and for a while that’s all I’ve really been mad about. John, Justin and Adam I don’t talk to anymore, other than that casual catch-up you do over a beer with old friends you see only a few times a year, and up north, my only real friends that I talk to are Jason and Joe. I’ve become quite the loner in my 20’s and it’s a staggering realization that I just don’t have the ability to make friends the way I used to. If I meet someone, and form a bond with them, that’s valuable to me, really it’s the only thing that reinforces the foundation of my sanity, a protection from a sundering of the soul. To me a true friend is beyond value, they’re one of those entities in life that you need to try and safeguard, if not for them, for yourself. It’s hard to find someone like her, trust me I’ve been around long enough to learn that lesson. From NYC to Columbus, Ohio, I never found anyone like her, and to lose a friend like that is painful. And yeah, it is my fault in a way, but what the hell? I was willing to suck it up and just be friends so I could keep her in my life, why couldn’t she? But I know why now, because she’s a far better person than I am. She isn’t the kind of person that hides from her emotions, or runs away to West Virginia. I’m the coward, and I should have told her how I felt the day I realized I liked her so much. I remember the exact moment too…

It was when I left for school after the summer to start my junior year. It was the last day before my flight to Morgantown, and she was over at the house and we were just talking, hanging out. She gave me the UP DVD and was heading out to go back home. She was grabbing her bike and I was going to drive down to 7-11 to grab some smokes for the trip. We hugged, said goodbye, and she rode off on that pink beach cruiser, and right then I knew I liked her. 

See, I don’t miss people. I left my family, my friends, and my home at the drop of a hat and didn’t look back. Didn’t feel bad, had no remorse or regret when I left. But, the second she was out of my sight I felt this unbearable pang of regret, this sense of loss, and it struck hard. I’m not used to feeling like that. I don’t miss people, but I missed her, and the sudden realization that I wouldn’t be able to see her face or talk to her for four months sent me reeling. That’s when I realized, “I really like this girl”.

Everything about her just made me like her more. Every flaw was just a gem in the rough. She’s clumsy, and I think it’s cute. She says what’s on her mind before thinking it through; I think it’s a sign of integrity and honesty. On her worst day, she’s looked more beautiful to me than any other girl I’ve seen. There have been times up here when everything seemed like it was going straight to hell, and all I had to do was think of that smile and my whole day would just turn around. Everything would feel better, you know? I really don’t have any other way to explain it. But, the best thing is, the one that really got me, is that I’ve never had any intention of sleeping with her, never thought about it, never dreamed about it, still haven’t to this day. Honestly, the only time I think of her, dream of her, are these little hopeful settings. Just day dreams of being around her, hanging out and chatting, maybe cuddled up watching UP… 

But, there I go again fucking something up that could have been the best thing that would have happened to me… 

Then she started dating Adam, and for me, the whole world went to hell…

Adam was my friend, someone I would stick my neck out for, and I’m nothing if I’m not loyal to those who’ve earned it…

So, now this girl I really like is dating my friend, and I feel another Chris and Caleigh situation coming…

So normal protocol stands right? Cut and run. Same call to make as the last time, and the time before that…

WRONG… 

Fuck…

Then she starts fucking Adam…

So now, I can’t get that out of my head…

Should have cut and run…

Shoulda, coulda, woulda… didn’t

Winter Breaks started. It’s panning out to be a merry fucking Christmas right?

“Oh, you’re going on a trip with Adam and his family to Tennessee? That sounds great. Don’t worry you’ll have a great time. That wine sack you got will come in handy” – Insert fake smile –   

                               

Damn, all I could think about was that I wanted to be the first one to show her snow…

Christ, I still can’t get this one moment out of my head. I can’t remember the date, but it was late, I’m on the porch having a smoke…

Then BOOM! That horrible nightmare just pops into my head…

All I can see is Adam just railing her, over, and over, and over again…

I can’t get it out of my head! FUCK! GET IT OUTTA MY HEAD!!!!!

 

I’ll just text her, and she’ll just text back saying she’s sitting by a nice fire reading a book. Right? 

“Hey how’s Tennessee?”

She doesn’t text back, she’s probably asleep…

Or getting railed by my friend…

I need to go for a drive; I need to get this out of my head…

Text alert goes off on my phone…

I’m going 60 mph on US-1…

 “It’s great! Lots of sex! Like almost too much sex! It’s almost disgusting how much sex we’ve been having, we’re like animals. How was your day?”

I can’t take my eyes off my phone…

I look up…

There’s a telephone pole…

Still going 60…

Crash into it, or swerve? Less than a second to decide…

Last thing I remember, I’m sitting in the middle of US-1, full stop, staring at my phone…

Drove for at least four hours that night, couldn’t get the nightmare out of my head.

Didn’t sleep for 3 days…

She comes back, and I remember the exact moment I told my first lie to this girl, and I made it a point to do it…

I tried to tell her why I stopped answering her texts that night, she told me I didn’t have to, but I wanted to fucking clarify… 

“I lost my phone and the battery ran out while I had lost it, my bad, I’m sorry”

I wanted her to know that I didn’t feel anything for her. That the whole text stoppage wasn’t because I liked her and the thought of one of my best friends fucking her over and over again made me visibly nauseous, that I didn’t care for her that way. But, I’m pretty sure she saw right through it, or maybe she didn’t and that’s when the whole thing started going downhill? But, what killed me was that fucking Facebook message. I hate fucking Facebook, I really do…

I still have it you know, never deleted it, which was the second lie I’ve told her…

I mean c’mon, what the fuck!

You start dating my friend.

Then you start fucking him.

Then you’re planning on moving in with him.

And that’s the moment you choose to tell me how you feel about me?

Really?! 

Do you like fucking with guy’s heads? Or am I just the asshole of the year? Do I get a plaque or something?

Oh, and we can’t be friends anymore either? Great…

Alright, now I hate you…

But, I still care about you…

Fucking dichotomy…

So then the crushing solitary comes, that feeling that always comes after these little fucked up times in anyone’s life. But, I can’t take it, so like the cowardly fuck I am…

“Can we just be friends?”

So then I make a last minute decision to come home for spring break. I didn’t come home for my family, friends, or for the fucking weather. I came back for her, to work shit out. What I meant by that exactly, I have absolutely no idea.

-Summation of Spring Break 2011-

So I’m drinking lots of beer and giving Huffman the grand tour of SB, Cocoa Beach and Melbourne. All the while I’m hanging out and talking with her, and the whole time trying to work up the courage to say something and at the same time trying to figure out what to say. The whole thing culminates on the last day we’re down there.

She’s at the house around 10 A.M. and I’m in a shitty mood, mostly because I’ve decided that she’s over the whole thing and it’s not worth mentioning. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, but she leaves, we say goodbye, and I go inside to watch Robin Hood god damn it…

3 minutes later she walks back in…

 

“I’m going to stop putting expiration dates on everything”

I’m sitting on the couch just staring at her…

“After last night I realized that’s something that I do, and I want to change about myself, so I’m going to stop putting expiration dates on things.”

I’m still on the couch just staring…

“Okay, I just wanted to say that.”

She moves to leave…

“What are you doing?”

She stops and looks at me…

“I can’t be friends with you.”

I get up off the fucking couch…

“We need to talk, out back, now.”

That’s when it all came out, and all I remember about the whole thing was at one point I told her that I hated her, but I cared about her too much, and I remember her apologizing, for what I don’t know and the rest is just blurry. Then I told her to leave. 

Then I had a 14 hour trip back north to think about how fucking stupid I am, how I handled everything, whether I should have just kissed her and to over think the whole event over and over again. On that trip, I had this stark realization if she called me and asked if we could still be friends, I would have forgotten about everything and gone right back to the summer before all of this. But, that was never going to happen…

-End of Spring Break 2011-

We get back, and Miss Janice convinced me I should text her, and honestly it didn’t take much convincing…

“I can’t get you outta my head”

No reply…

The next day…

“Can you just tell me I’m a fucking psychopath and that you hate me and to leave you alone? Please?”

She texted me back…

She told me to focus on “being in West Virginia”…

I deleted her phone number, de-friended her on Facebook…

Now here I am… focusing on “being in West Virginia”…

The Memory

I remember the waves never being big enough

I remember my best friend drunk in gym class

I remember my first time beating my friend at anything in gym class

I remember going on Trop runs

I remember my first concussion, but I don’t remember the rest of the game

I remember getting stranded on an island… for three days 

I remember hitting a boar with my friend’s truck

I remember Cassie Sears, and hating her, but loving more than anyone else and never telling her

I remember my first high school party

I remember my first beer

I remember my first shot, but not the second, third, fourth, ect …

I remember the first time fishing with my brothers, and not catching anything

I remember coaching my littlest brother’s football team

I remember awkward moments

I remember winning a fight in the cafeteria in front of the whole 8^th grade and getting away with it

I remember “borrowing” a keg from kids we didn’t like

I remember looking down the barrels of several handguns

I remember drug deals

I remember Sara Myers

I remember working for Mr. Funk during the summer and taking a break to have a beer with him and his wife, she’s dead now I think

I remember my first girlfriend and breaking up with her

I remember seeing some guy get shot and doing nothing about it

I remember being the D.D.

I remember my dad hurting his knee moving a C.N.C. machine, and learning five new curse words helping him up

I remember cleaning up the F.I.T. machine shop, and trying to dig out the aluminum chips from my hands

I remember my first time welding, doing horrible, then getting it right, picking up my work to show my dad, and my gloves catching fire

I remember working on my 76’ Grand Prix

I remember the D.M.V. aka Satan’s Asshole

I remember being in a Mexican standoff

I remember happiness there is no way to define

I remember the Dao and the concept of the “Uncarved Block”

I remember revenge

I remember being questioned by the police and sticking to my story, despite the good cop bad cop routine

I remember pouring out three hundred dollars in hard liquor, and wanting to cry and laugh at the same time, but doing neither

I remember sneaking into clubs in Orlando

I remember running from a four hundred pound bouncer

I remember that smell that you get when you brush up against a stripper, it smells like cigarettes and low self-esteem

I remember my first kiss

I remember Crazy Carl dying

I remember being suspended from school and learning more watching the Discovery Channel

I remember Mr. Moore, his limitless supply of stories, and the long sleeve shirts he wore to cover his track

I remember saying “I hate you.”, and it not being too strong of a word

I remember surfing

I remember sunrises on the beach and sunsets on the river

I remember not knowing what god was till I was twelve years old, and not understanding it

I remember laughing as my friend flipped the Jeep mudding, pushing it back over and doing it again

The Fascists

At about 12:00 AM I was sitting outside the door of the KA BX chapter house smoking tobacco, one of the brothers was intoxicated and three individuals were outside helping him get back inside so that he wouldn’t injure himself and could lie down. I witnessed them take the brother into the house, as a Buckhannon Police vehicle parked on the side of the road outside the house. I personally did not witness the officer enter the house. I proceeded to remain outside and smoke, when four more police vehicles arrived on scene as well as an EMS squad, and an Upshur County Sherriff. Three officers rushed to the front door of the chapter house, a female officer asking to be let in to the residence. I asked for them to provide a search warrant. The officer frantically stated that no warrant was needed because there was already an officer inside. 

I replied that to my knowledge that there was no officer inside, the female officer then stated, “You better not be lying or else you going to jail”.

I explained I wasn’t and asked why they had not used their radios to contact the officer and confirm his entry into the house. The three officers then left the front of the house and went to the southern side door and entered the house. Several minutes later I was having a conversation with an alumnus of the chapter, outside the south side entrance, when a new officer approached me and began to interrogate me as to what I had witnessed, specifically if I had seen an officer enter the house. I explained to him that one of the brothers was intoxicated and three people were helping him upstairs when the first officer arrived on scene and that I had not witnessed him enter the house. The officer then asked if I was lying to him and that if I was, he was going to throw me in jail. I explained that what I had stated was what I had personally witnessed. He then asked me to stop lying to him and proceeded to point his index finger at me, and again threatened to put me in jail. I again stated that what I told him was what I saw. The officer then left to join his fellow officers. Several minutes later, the alumnus and I were taking pictures of the police vehicles and the ambulance, when another officer exclaimed to us from the group of officers huddled about fifteen yards away next to the gravel parking lot

“You gonna put us on YouTube huh!? Go ahead put us on YouTube!”

I then went to the front of the chapter house to continue my conversation with the alumnus, and moments later the officer that had questioned me previously beckoned me over to talk to him by the edge of the yard next to the entrance sidewalk and began, what I believe, was an unprofessional and aggressive questioning.

He asked me, “Did you see an officer run into the house after three kids carrying another kid yelling “STOP STOP STOP!”?”

I replied, “No, I did not.”

He then repeated the question and I again replied that all I had witnessed was three individuals carrying a brother upstairs. The officer then asked me if I wanted to go to jail tonight and to stop lying to him. I replied that I was just explaining what I saw personally. He asked me to stop lying to him again. I told the officer again that I was just telling him what I had witnessed. Then Mr. Bowman began to observe the questioning and one the officer’s fellow officers came up to him whispered in his ear and beckoned him to come back over to the rest of their squad.

The officer who had been questioning me then asked me, “To wipe that wise little smirk off my face”

I stated, “Well it’s a little humorous.”

The officer then approached me again getting within a foot of my person and asked, “Humorous?! What’s Humorous?! Your friend having a fatal injury?! Is that humorous to you?!”

I replied, “Of course my friend having a fatal injury isn’t humorous, but if his injury had been serious he couldn’t have refused care and would be on the ambulance now.”

The officer then stated to me, “That if I ever see you in a similar situation like this one tonight, I’m taking you straight to jail.”

I replied, “Fair enough”

The officer then left to join his fellows and I sat back down by the front entrance of the chapter house. While out front of the house smoking, I witnessed Buckhannon Police vehicles come from the road adjacent to the lumber yard and drive by the chapter house at least eleven times and turn down Main Street each time.