The Devolution into Madness

The Precipice of Sanity and The Fall

2011-11-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

The same old story, been there a few times, but Mylissa Boykin? Who’d of thought? This girl has a perfect smile, sun kissed body, long blonde hair and legs for days… but all of that’s just secondary to me. I can actually talk to her, and feel comfortable around her, mind you that doesn’t happen very often. We could sit down for hours and just talk, and I wouldn’t even want to say anything. It was just nice to listen to her about anything she had to say, no matter how mundane it was. If she wanted to relax and complain about the slave style hours her parents made her work, I would actually enjoy hearing her talk about it. From Buddhism to her day to day life I could listen for however long she felt like speaking, and would relish every second of it. And she’s smart; she’s witty, not in an “I can do calculus” kind of way, but in an “I can hold my own in a conversation” kind of way.

I just wish we could still be friends…

But, that’s never going to happen now is it…

It wasn’t as though I thought of her as anything more than a good friend at first either, and it was comforting even after I realized I liked her to know that I had friend like her somewhere, even if she was almost a thousand miles away. Really, if I’m angry over anything it’s that she took that away from me, that friendship, and for a while that’s all I’ve really been mad about. John, Justin and Adam I don’t talk to anymore, other than that casual catch-up you do over a beer with old friends you see only a few times a year, and up north, my only real friends that I talk to are Jason and Joe. I’ve become quite the loner in my 20’s and it’s a staggering realization that I just don’t have the ability to make friends the way I used to. If I meet someone, and form a bond with them, that’s valuable to me, really it’s the only thing that reinforces the foundation of my sanity, a protection from a sundering of the soul. To me a true friend is beyond value, they’re one of those entities in life that you need to try and safeguard, if not for them, for yourself. It’s hard to find someone like her, trust me I’ve been around long enough to learn that lesson. From NYC to Columbus, Ohio, I never found anyone like her, and to lose a friend like that is painful. And yeah, it is my fault in a way, but what the hell? I was willing to suck it up and just be friends so I could keep her in my life, why couldn’t she? But I know why now, because she’s a far better person than I am. She isn’t the kind of person that hides from her emotions, or runs away to West Virginia. I’m the coward, and I should have told her how I felt the day I realized I liked her so much. I remember the exact moment too…

It was when I left for school after the summer to start my junior year. It was the last day before my flight to Morgantown, and she was over at the house and we were just talking, hanging out. She gave me the UP DVD and was heading out to go back home. She was grabbing her bike and I was going to drive down to 7-11 to grab some smokes for the trip. We hugged, said goodbye, and she rode off on that pink beach cruiser, and right then I knew I liked her.

See, I don’t miss people. I left my family, my friends, and my home at the drop of a hat and didn’t look back. Didn’t feel bad, had no remorse or regret when I left. But, the second she was out of my sight I felt this unbearable pang of regret, this sense of loss, and it struck hard. I’m not used to feeling like that. I don’t miss people, but I missed her, and the sudden realization that I wouldn’t be able to see her face or talk to her for four months sent me reeling. That’s when I realized, “I really like this girl”.

Everything about her just made me like her more. Every flaw was just a gem in the rough. She’s clumsy, and I think it’s cute. She says what’s on her mind before thinking it through; I think it’s a sign of integrity and honesty. On her worst day, she’s looked more beautiful to me than any other girl I’ve seen. There have been times up here when everything seemed like it was going straight to hell, and all I had to do was think of that smile and my whole day would just turn around. Everything would feel better, you know? I really don’t have any other way to explain it. But, the best thing is, the one that really got me, is that I’ve never had any intention of sleeping with her, never thought about it, never dreamed about it, still haven’t to this day. Honestly, the only time I think of her, dream of her, are these little hopeful settings. Just day dreams of being around her, hanging out and chatting, maybe cuddled up watching UP…

But, there I go again fucking something up that could have been the best thing that would have happened to me…

Then she started dating Adam, and for me, the whole world went to hell…

Adam was my friend, someone I would stick my neck out for, and I’m nothing if I’m not loyal to those who’ve earned it…

So, now this girl I really like is dating my friend, and I feel another Chris and Caleigh situation coming…

So normal protocol stands right? Cut and run. Same call to make as the last time, and the time before that…

WRONG…

Fuck…

Then she starts fucking Adam…

So now, I can’t get that out of my head…

Should have cut and run…

Shoulda, coulda, woulda… didn’t

Winter Breaks started. It’s panning out to be a merry fucking Christmas right?

“Oh, you’re going on a trip with Adam and his family to Tennessee? That sounds great. Don’t worry you’ll have a great time. That wine sack you got will come in handy” – Insert fake smile –

Damn, all I could think about was that I wanted to be the first one to show her snow…

Christ, I still can’t get this one moment out of my head. I can’t remember the date, but it was late, I’m on the porch having a smoke…

Then BOOM! That horrible nightmare just pops into my head…

All I can see is Adam just railing her, over, and over, and over again…

I can’t get it out of my head! FUCK! GET IT OUTTA MY HEAD!!!!!

I’ll just text her, and she’ll just text back saying she’s sitting by a nice fire reading a book. Right?

“Hey how’s Tennessee?”

She doesn’t text back, she’s probably asleep…

Or getting railed by my friend…

I need to go for a drive; I need to get this out of my head…

Text alert goes off on my phone…

I’m going 60 mph on US-1…

“It’s great! Lots of sex! Like almost too much sex! It’s almost disgusting how much sex we’ve been having, we’re like animals. How was your day?”

I can’t take my eyes off my phone…

I look up…

There’s a telephone pole…

Still going 60…

Crash into it, or swerve? Less than a second to decide…

Last thing I remember, I’m sitting in the middle of US-1, full stop, staring at my phone…

Drove for at least four hours that night, couldn’t get the nightmare out of my head.

Didn’t sleep for 3 days…

She comes back, and I remember the exact moment I told my first lie to this girl, and I made it a point to do it…

I tried to tell her why I stopped answering her texts that night, she told me I didn’t have to, but I wanted to fucking clarify…

“I lost my phone and the battery ran out while I had lost it, my bad, I’m sorry”

I wanted her to know that I didn’t feel anything for her. That the whole text stoppage wasn’t because I liked her and the thought of one of my best friends fucking her over and over again made me visibly nauseous, that I didn’t care for her that way. But, I’m pretty sure she saw right through it, or maybe she didn’t and that’s when the whole thing started going downhill? But, what killed me was that fucking Facebook message. I hate fucking Facebook, I really do…

I still have it you know, never deleted it, which was the second lie I’ve told her…

I mean c’mon, what the fuck!

You start dating my friend.

Then you start fucking him.

Then you’re planning on moving in with him.

And that’s the moment you choose to tell me how you feel about me?

Really?!

Do you like fucking with guy’s heads? Or am I just the asshole of the year? Do I get a plaque or something?

Oh, and we can’t be friends anymore either? Great…

Alright, now I hate you…

But, I still care about you…

Fucking dichotomy…

So then the crushing solitary comes, that feeling that always comes after these little fucked up times in anyone’s life. But, I can’t take it, so like the cowardly fuck I am…

“Can we just be friends?”

So then I make a last minute decision to come home for spring break. I didn’t come home for my family, friends, or for the fucking weather. I came back for her, to work shit out. What I meant by that exactly, I have absolutely no idea.

-Summation of Spring Break 2011-

So I’m drinking lots of beer and giving Huffman the grand tour of SB, Cocoa Beach and Melbourne. All the while I’m hanging out and talking with her, and the whole time trying to work up the courage to say something and at the same time trying to figure out what to say. The whole thing culminates on the last day we’re down there.

She’s at the house around 10 A.M. and I’m in a shitty mood, mostly because I’ve decided that she’s over the whole thing and it’s not worth mentioning. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, but she leaves, we say goodbye, and I go inside to watch Robin Hood god damn it…

3 minutes later she walks back in…

“I’m going to stop putting expiration dates on everything”

I’m sitting on the couch just staring at her…

“After last night I realized that’s something that I do, and I want to change about myself, so I’m going to stop putting expiration dates on things.”

I’m still on the couch just staring…

“Okay, I just wanted to say that.”

She moves to leave…

“What are you doing?”

She stops and looks at me…

“I can’t be friends with you.”

I get up off the fucking couch…

“We need to talk, out back, now.”

That’s when it all came out, and all I remember about the whole thing was at one point I told her that I hated her, but I cared about her too much, and I remember her apologizing, for what I don’t know and the rest is just blurry. Then I told her to leave.

Then I had a 14 hour trip back north to think about how fucking stupid I am, how I handled everything, whether I should have just kissed her and to over think the whole event over and over again. On that trip, I had this stark realization if she called me and asked if we could still be friends, I would have forgotten about everything and gone right back to the summer before all of this. But, that was never going to happen…

-End of Spring Break 2011-

We get back, and Miss Janice convinced me I should text her, and honestly it didn’t take much convincing…

“I can’t get you outta my head”

No reply…

The next day…

“Can you just tell me I’m a fucking psychopath and that you hate me and to leave you alone? Please?”

She texted me back…

She told me to focus on “being in West Virginia”…

I deleted her phone number, de-friended her on Facebook…

Now here I am… focusing on “being in West Virginia”…

The Memory

2011-11-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

I remember the waves never being big enough

I remember my best friend drunk in gym class

I remember my first time beating my friend at anything in gym class

I remember going on Trop runs

I remember my first concussion, but I don’t remember the rest of the game

I remember getting stranded on an island… for three days

I remember hitting a boar with my friend’s truck

I remember Cassie Sears, and hating her, but loving more than anyone else and never telling her

I remember my first high school party

I remember my first beer

I remember my first shot, but not the second, third, fourth, ect …

I remember the first time fishing with my brothers, and not catching anything

I remember coaching my littlest brother’s football team

I remember awkward moments

I remember winning a fight in the cafeteria in front of the whole 8^thgrade and getting away with it

I remember “borrowing” a keg from kids we didn’t like

I remember looking down the barrels of several handguns

I remember drug deals

I remember Sara Myers

I remember working for Mr. Funk during the summer and taking a break to have a beer with him and his wife, she’s dead now I think

I remember my first girlfriend and breaking up with her

I remember seeing some guy get shot and doing nothing about it

I remember being the D.D.

I remember my dad hurting his knee moving a C.N.C. machine, and learning five new curse words helping him up

I remember cleaning up the F.I.T. machine shop, and trying to dig out the aluminum chips from my hands

I remember my first time welding, doing horrible, then getting it right, picking up my work to show my dad, and my gloves catching fire

I remember working on my 76’ Grand Prix

I remember the D.M.V. aka Satan’s Asshole

I remember being in a Mexican standoff

I remember happiness there is no way to define

I remember the Dao and the concept of the “Uncarved Block”

I remember revenge

I remember being questioned by the police and sticking to my story, despite the good cop bad cop routine

I remember pouring out three hundred dollars in hard liquor, and wanting to cry and laugh at the same time, but doing neither

I remember sneaking into clubs in Orlando

I remember running from a four hundred pound bouncer

I remember that smell that you get when you brush up against a stripper, it smells like cigarettes and low self-esteem

I remember my first kiss

I remember Crazy Carl dying

I remember being suspended from school and learning more watching the Discovery Channel

I remember Mr. Moore, his limitless supply of stories, and the long sleeve shirts he wore to cover his track

I remember saying “I hate you.”, and it not being too strong of a word

I remember surfing

I remember sunrises on the beach and sunsets on the river

I remember not knowing what god was till I was twelve years old, and not understanding it

I remember laughing as my friend flipped the Jeep mudding, pushing it back over and doing it again

The Fascists

2011-11-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

At about 12:00 AM I was sitting outside the door of the KA BX chapter house smoking tobacco, one of the brothers was intoxicated and three individuals were outside helping him get back inside so that he wouldn’t injure himself and could lie down. I witnessed them take the brother into the house, as a Buckhannon Police vehicle parked on the side of the road outside the house. I personally did not witness the officer enter the house. I proceeded to remain outside and smoke, when four more police vehicles arrived on scene as well as an EMS squad, and an Upshur County Sherriff. Three officers rushed to the front door of the chapter house, a female officer asking to be let in to the residence. I asked for them to provide a search warrant. The officer frantically stated that no warrant was needed because there was already an officer inside.

I replied that to my knowledge that there was no officer inside, the female officer then stated, “You better not be lying or else you going to jail”.

I explained I wasn’t and asked why they had not used their radios to contact the officer and confirm his entry into the house. The three officers then left the front of the house and went to the southern side door and entered the house. Several minutes later I was having a conversation with an alumnus of the chapter, outside the south side entrance, when a new officer approached me and began to interrogate me as to what I had witnessed, specifically if I had seen an officer enter the house. I explained to him that one of the brothers was intoxicated and three people were helping him upstairs when the first officer arrived on scene and that I had not witnessed him enter the house. The officer then asked if I was lying to him and that if I was, he was going to throw me in jail. I explained that what I had stated was what I had personally witnessed. He then asked me to stop lying to him and proceeded to point his index finger at me, and again threatened to put me in jail. I again stated that what I told him was what I saw. The officer then left to join his fellow officers. Several minutes later, the alumnus and I were taking pictures of the police vehicles and the ambulance, when another officer exclaimed to us from the group of officers huddled about fifteen yards away next to the gravel parking lot

“You gonna put us on YouTube huh!? Go ahead put us on YouTube!”

I then went to the front of the chapter house to continue my conversation with the alumnus, and moments later the officer that had questioned me previously beckoned me over to talk to him by the edge of the yard next to the entrance sidewalk and began, what I believe, was an unprofessional and aggressive questioning.

He asked me, “Did you see an officer run into the house after three kids carrying another kid yelling “STOP STOP STOP!”?”

I replied, “No, I did not.”

He then repeated the question and I again replied that all I had witnessed was three individuals carrying a brother upstairs. The officer then asked me if I wanted to go to jail tonight and to stop lying to him. I replied that I was just explaining what I saw personally. He asked me to stop lying to him again. I told the officer again that I was just telling him what I had witnessed. Then Mr. Bowman began to observe the questioning and one the officer’s fellow officers came up to him whispered in his ear and beckoned him to come back over to the rest of their squad.

The officer who had been questioning me then asked me, “To wipe that wise little smirk off my face”

I stated, “Well it’s a little humorous.”

The officer then approached me again getting within a foot of my person and asked, “Humorous?! What’s Humorous?! Your friend having a fatal injury?! Is that humorous to you?!”

I replied, “Of course my friend having a fatal injury isn’t humorous, but if his injury had been serious he couldn’t have refused care and would be on the ambulance now.”

The officer then stated to me, “That if I ever see you in a similar situation like this one tonight, I’m taking you straight to jail.”

I replied, “Fair enough”

The officer then left to join his fellows and I sat back down by the front entrance of the chapter house. While out front of the house smoking, I witnessed Buckhannon Police vehicles come from the road adjacent to the lumber yard and drive by the chapter house at least eleven times and turn down Main Street each time.

The Moral Dilemma

2011-11-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

At this point I’m pretty sure living with Joe has changed me in a few ways. It hasn’t affected my core values or rattled my objectivity, but still, it has become kind of noticeable. One of the more significant changes being, I really don’t drink anymore, not because I hate alcohol, but I just don’t see the point anymore. Mind you, that doesn’t mean I won’t kick back and enjoy a casual beer. When I say drinking, I mean drinking to a point of complete and utter inebriation, so much so that I have virtually no sense of self control over my thoughts and actions. I used to love it, and I really don’t know why. It wasn’t to fill a void or because I had any real reason to drink, it was more like I just didn’t have any reason not to.

Maybe that’s it; maybe I can’t bring myself to get that damn drunk because I feel like I have some form of responsibility, and not even in some macro sense (I need to be a success story, blah, blah, blah…), but more of a microcosm of liability. I almost feel like a damn den mother sometimes, watching out for a group of overly drunk infants. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or if I just look for trouble when I’m around a cluster of drunks, but it always seems to find me, whether it’s some dumbass who didn’t know their limit or some predator-like guy creeping on a drunk girl, I always seem to end up in the thick of it. Recently, the latter has been wearing on me, chipping away at last vestiges of my positive perception of humanity.

Yeah, it’s been that bad.

The Hoose thing was bad enough and at least he had some kind of emotional issues and a high BAC to give him some form of excuse, I mean the man genuinely looked apologetic when he tried to talk to me. Frankly, I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen some guy taking back some girl who was far too drunk to know what was happening, much less consent to having someone’s dick rammed into them. But Christ, that Jay kid really freaked me out. It was almost as though he was hunting for helpless drunk girls. As soon as Myers was out of sight he was on D like a starved wolf. If I hadn’t walked that gaggle of hammered idiots back to the dorm, I don’t know what might have happened. Tex seemed like an alright guy, and may have been able to handle himself in a fight, but he seemed way too passive. Almost so passive that he may have let that bastard right up into D’s room to spend the night, and her brother was damn sure in no condition to do a thing about it. What killed me though is when she had kissed him; I had no idea what to make of that.

Judgment call right? I mean what was I supposed to do, let it run its course? Probably should of, but there’s a another Joe-like change, I can’t just let people do as they may if I don’t think it’s the most beneficial action in the long run, and if it effects more than the present parties. I couldn’t tell you how many different scenarios ran through my head when she kissed that guy. Should I hit him? Is she flirting with this guy or trying to get him out of her face? Do they know each other from somewhere? Has she been cheating on Eric? If not, then why would she kiss him? Should I just walk away and say “Fuck it”? Should I call Myers and tell him his girlfriends a cheating whore? She’s not really a whore, they take money. So she’s a slut? Eh, what makes a girl a slut? Fuck if I know anymore, there aren’t any more tangible lines drawn for that question. Is she really “cheating” or is it one of those “drunken mistakes”? Is there such a thing? Would he give a shit? It’s enough to make someone’s head spin. I should talk to D about that kiss, but at the same time, fuck it, some things are unforgivable, and there’s really no reason to worry anyone about it.

The Descent

2011-11-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

My entire existence has been great as of late, I have no grounds to complain about any aspect of it, but as of late some doubts have been treading on my once solid life philosophies. Not so much all the existential points, "why are we here?" or "is there a God?", but more practical, real world thoughts like "am I really going to be some fucking mindless office drone for the remainder of my inevitably meaningless existence, or will I have something that I genuinely care about besides my immediate family?" or “what the fuck am I doing that I can’t find courage to tell someone that I care about enough that I do care?”. But, in the end it’s all irrelevant; I’ll probably be dead in thirty years anyway if I keep sucking down that sweet cancer. As long as I die on giant stack of money, what do I care? I’ll just leave all of it to my blood brothers, and if by some horrific irony they or their offspring aren’t on this plane of reality anymore, I’ll just let ten randoms play “Inheritance Jenga” for the pot… the bastards. Damn, I need another cigarette…

“You see that pack of Virginia killing sticks on the end of the piano? All you need to know about life is retained in those four walls. You will notice that one of your personalities is seduced by the illusions of grandeur - the gold packet of king size with a regal insignia, an attractive implication towards grandeur and wealth, the subtle suggestion that cigarettes are indeed your royal and loyal friends, and that, Pete, is a lie. Your other personality is trying to draw your attention to the flip side of the discussion, written in boring bold black and white, it's a statement that these neat little soldiers of death are in fact trying to kill you and that, Pete, is the truth. Oh, beauty is a beguiling call to death and I’m addicted to the sweet pitch of its siren. That that starts sweet ends bitter and that which starts bitter ends sweet…” - Johnny Quid

Christ, I can barely even get my life philosophies in order anymore they’ve changed so many times as I’ve gotten older. I used believe people are naturally good at heart, now it’s more of a fifty/fifty, yes and no, generalization. Over the course of the past three years I’ve met a few individuals that were genuinely “evil” by society’s standards, these individuals being fully socialized, knowing right from wrong, yet still committing taboo, but evil at best is a vague yet defining description of an act or individual. Really what is evil? Is it when someone does wrong and recognizes cognitively and subjectively that he has committed a wrongful act, but does so willingly? What is wrong? If a man kills another man, but doesn’t understand that murder is wrong, is he evil? Personally, I don’t believe he is, a crime or a wrong having two parts to be defined as such, the actus rea, the actual “wrongful act” and the mens rea, a “guilty mind”. But, for every “evil” individual, I’ve met another who is the anti-thesis to those who would watch the world burn, men and women who “walk the walk” and restore one’s faith in humanity. But, then what is right or good? I have no idea, honestly if one can’t define wrong, how can you define right? It’s a dichotomy, two sides of the spectrum; you need one to have the other, and if one is present the other follows closely or precedes it. Then if there is no such entity as right or wrong, how can one develop any sense of morality? If so, then really morality is an outdated concept. The only way I can see one can function in that kind of world is to remain completely objective, as hard as it may be. But should you be “hot or cold”? Conformity reeks of bliss, and how I want to embrace her… maybe I already have?

I also used believe that most individuals would help another human being in distress, but sadly no. The only time someone will assist another is if they don’t stand to lose anything. No one in this world, in our American society, will assist another at cost or even if they won’t receive anything in return. That cost or gain isn’t necessarily monetary either, the more subjective reward or loss being the emotional factors that play into generosity. If a bystander throws a vagrant change or holds a door open for a geriatric individual they don’t do it because it is the right thing to do, they do so because of the emotional reward and reinforcement to their own ego, or to avoid the stigma generated by our own socialization. I’ve seen people responsible for the well being of others, others who were in genuinely life threatening situations; flip on them at the drop of a hat to preserve their own credibility. The incident at OX, the first time I met Camblin, stands as precedent. As soon as the Brothers of said organization recognized that they could suffer any loss to prestige or their standing with the college, they wanted to throw the poor girl in the street. “Get her out of here or it’s our asses”, was shouted several times as Alan Frat and I tried to provide care to her during a time in which we were attempting to establish if the girl would have recovered on her own volition or if ALS services and immediate transport would be required. The only thing the girl’s RA would ask is “is this going to come down on me?” I just don’t know, maybe I’m rambling, but I just feel something’s wrong.

Another little ideology I held sacred before coming to “Wild and Wonderful” West Virginia was that women are sacred, and are to be respected no matter the circumstance. Being here, living in a fraternity house, seeing the individual acts of depravity, the consistent cheating, the lack of self-esteem, the manipulation, all the backstabbing, I just can’t look at women like I used to, how I desperately want to. Years ago, I built up the opposite sex to be almost mythical, something to be revered, but even now as I type this random treatise on these despairing series of thoughts, my Brother, a fellow member of my Greek letter society, is having intercourse with a random girl in the kitchen not but twenty feet away from me, and believe me it’s a dirty God damned kitchen.